Playing with Fire

Chinese-chili Gate

I want to tell you a story previously known in some circles as “chilibum”. My friend was working for a PR firm down in Sydney and they’d just hired a girl named Joy. Joy was a young girl from China working in Australia on a visa.  Joy was a very pretty, lean, athletic girl. She was in her mid-20’s and had been dating an Australian bloak.  Even though she’d been living in Australia for some time, Joy still enjoyed much of her Chinese culture, including the cuisine. Everyday she would show up with a large container full of chilis.  Fresh red Chinese chilis.  I don’t know specifically what kind of chilis they were, but I can confirm that they were the “hot as fuck” kind.

Joy absolutely loved her chilies. First thing in the morning, she would pull them out of her bag and place them on her desk next to her water bottle. She snacked on them throughout the entire day, sitting there smashing a large container full of bright red chilies. When she took her lunch break, she’d alternate bites between her sandwich and a chili, back and forth, every single bite. Obviously Joy had been indulging in this practice her whole entire life, most likely having spent every day of her adult life in this manner.

One day Joy came into work visibly upset. She tried to focus but couldn’t manage to get through the morning without tears welling up in her eyes. A colleague pulled her aside and asked what was wrong since Joy wasn’t the type to express emotion so publicly. Joy confided in her that she had a problem, and she really needed some advice. She’d had a huge, blow out fight with her boyfriend, and they might be on the verge of breaking up. She really loved him and wanted to make it work, but he wanted her to change the very essence of who she was and she didn’t know if she could commit to such a request.

Her colleague was very concerned thinking perhaps Joy was in an abusive relationship or a tough spot she couldn’t get out of, so she urged her to share what this wholly unacceptable request could be. Joy looked at her colleague, tears brimming her lower lashes. She looked around to see if anyone was standing near before lowering her voice and moving in closer.

“You know my boyfriend (Whothefuckever)?” Joy asked. Her colleague nodded emphatically, eyes wide and listening intently, ready for the bomb to drop.

“Well…” Joy said, glancing around one more time before continuing in an almost whisper, “well you know we like to have anal sex and last night he told me that I had to stop eating chilis because they burn his dick.”

Total silence.

Joy’s colleague straightened up, processing both the complete shock of the words that had come out of her mouth, mostly anal, dick, and chili, but also trying to process how she could have been so, so wrong about the content of this conversation. Joy stared at her, vulnerable, waiting for a response. Her colleague roiled through the information. She desperately wanted to ask her so many questions, such as “have you tried vaginal sex”, “how long has this been going on”, and, of course, “how long had the boyfriend been silently suffering with a burning pee-pee before he decided to advocate for himself and his manhood”. Couldn’t you guys just try not fucking in the ass, she thought to herself, still unsure how to unpack all of this information.

The silence continued for several minutes.

Joy was at a crossroads.  Sure she liked her boyfriend, but was her love of hot foods greater?  Couldn’t he learn to love both her and her chilis?  Finally her colleague broke the silence and said “Look, you’re just going to have to stop eating chilies I guess.”

With that confirmation, Joy let loose a torrent of tears that had been back building all morning. She ran into the bathroom and didn’t emerge for the rest of the morning. Shortly after, my friend transferred out of the office so we don’t know what inevitably happened with Joy and the Chinese-chili Gate. Did she drop her boyfriend for such an unreasonable request, or did she give up the love of her life (the chilies) in order to continue getting railed in her exit-only hole? The world will never know, but the one thing I know without a doubt is that she probably never had to give another blowjob again.

Speaking of, I’ll be visiting the Chinese market as soon as I get home.